I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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