I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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