Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
