your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
