you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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