My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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