that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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