Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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