1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
