On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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