The best revenge is premature balding
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
