Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
