her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Welp...herpes.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm like, not good at living.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
