Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize