i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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