Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
