At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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