You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
