you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
