this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
