Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
