Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
