pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
