He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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