Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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