Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
