You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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