I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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