Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
