We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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