i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
