Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
