Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
