youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
