I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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