I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
