The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
