I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
