I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
