He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
