My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
