Me. At least after what I've been through.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
