theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize