I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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