U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
