She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
