loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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