grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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