Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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