I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize