I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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