I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i think im in europe. pls send help
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
