fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
