Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You need Xanax blowdarts
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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