If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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