I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
