Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize