I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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